A hand over my nose and mouth pressing down.
I can’t move because he is stronger than me.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t get away.
My heart is racing. The tiny sips of air that I can pull in are not enough
Am I going to die at the hands of this man who thinks I’m trying to control him?
I did not die.
I am writing this.
But it took years, therapy, and a lot of practice and training to be able to interact with men without that terror dogging my heart and lungs.
Finally I’ve been able to go about my business.
Have a husband.
A life.
And now it all comes back.
Not because I got involved with another jerk.
Because my governor decided to make medical decisions.
And now I can’t go engage in simple pleasures without that hand over my mouth and nose.
I can’t workout with my friends.
I can’t go shopping.
I’m not allowed because it’s “dangerous.”
More dangerous than wanting to drown my anxiety and distress in alcohol or drugs?
More dangerous than wanting to drive my car into a pole?
More dangerous than driving at all?
Or going swimming in the ocean?
If it were given a choice. (no one asked me)
If my privacy was respected. (random strangers feel free to comment on my choices)
If I had evidence my life would might be saved by wearing one (I read studies and no such evidence exists)
Then I think I could find a way to wear one.
But I cannot convince my subconscious this is voluntary,
When random strangers feel free to comment on my choices
When the governor has said he will fine people for not wearing them
What kind of person thinks that much control over another is a good thing?
I know I’m not alone.
But where I live, my kind are silenced by strangers.
Silenced by executive orders.
Silenced by social media.
They tell me
My feelings don’t matter (think of the greater good)
My rights don’t matter (think of the greater good)
My pain is irrelevant (to the greater good)
My pain is irrelevant (to the greater good)
My terror doesn’t matter.
My helplessness doesn’t matter.
I don’t matter.
Only everyone else matters.
And I must be a horrible person if I disagree.
Cauldron 